Gathering in Grief
I love November. The trees have dropped their leaves. The darkness of night envelops more and more of my day. Frost stretches across the landscape every morning. And finally, after such a long time of isolation, the public health situation is less dire, and we can gather together once more.
If you’re very early in your grief, this may all sound just awful. The darkness rising to match your own inner darkness. The barren landscape a reminder of your own barren womb. The frost, so icy cold. Worst of all, the glowing heart with happy, celebratory people gathering all around. How on earth to interact with family and friends in a season dedicated first to thanks then to joy? It may feel like a cruel joke.
I ran 3 workshops last week on just this topic: how to show up to a gathering when you’re grieving. I’d like to share some of the content here in the hopes that it supports you to exist in community this season.
Get in touch with your desires
Do you know how you want it to be, when you gather for Thanksgiving or Christmas or New Year? Are you the kind of person who has trouble wanting what she wants? It can be so easy to point to what’s wrong, and so hard to muster the imagination to envision what RIGHT would look like. Take the time to practice. Journal on what you want every day. In preparing to see family after a long time apart, especially, journal on exactly how you want your kin to see you, speak to you, react to you. How do you want to feel when you gather? Or do you really just want to go far, far away this year and skip gathering all together? Don’t worry if it’s realistic. Don’t worry if some of your wants clash with other of your wants (I want people to ask about my baby. I do not want anyone to ask about my baby.) You’re allowed to want what you want. It doesn’t have to make sense. Your journal might look like:
I want to be able to cry or to laugh and have the people around me feel ok with me crying and also to know that when I laugh it doesn’t mean I’m “over it.”
I want everyone to say my baby’s name.
I absolutely NOBODY to announce ANY pregnancy at ANY family gathering this holiday season.
I want my husband to come squeeze my hand periodically throughout the evening as a secret code that means “I see you. I’m proud of you. You’re doing such a brave, hard thing.”
I want to bring my own car so I have the freedom to leave the party at any point without saying goodbye.
I want to skip gathering with family and go somewhere very far away and very different, just the two of us.
I want to get a massage the day after the party.
I want to see friends instead of family this year.
I want to ruin everyone else’s Christmas by blowing up the Christmas tree.
Practice Asking
Just as important as honing in on what you want is identifying who you can ask to help you get it. Journal on this in the form: “I could as X for Y.” Don’t forget to ask men for things — not just your husband and your father. Women are heavily conditioned to ask of other women, not men. We tend to forget to ever ask anything of our uncles, male cousins, colleagues, friends, and neighbors. Translating the above desires into asks:
I could ask the hosts of the party for reassurance that I’m welcome regardless of my emotional state.
I could ask the hostess if I can skip bringing anything to the potluck and just let everybody else feed me this time.
I could ask my brother to give the whole family the heads up that they don’t have to worry about reminding me of my baby, because I never forget, and it actually feels really comforting to hear her name.
I could ask the husband of my friend (who I know has been trying for a baby) to make sure she picks any time OTHER THAN Thanksgiving dinner for any big announcements.
I could ask my husband to surprise me with a trip away, and to sensitively explain the last-minute change of plans to the family who are expecting us.
I could ask my neighbor who has a huge lawn, if I could build a huge bonfire of old Christmas trees on his property.
You never have to actually make these asks. We’re using the power of imagination to hone in on asks you do want to make, but also to soothe your nervous system into seeing your family (and the world at large) as being here to help you. Even if you never ask anyone anything, this is such a powerful practice.
If you do have an ask to make, there are two different and effective ways you can consider asking.
The first is very specific, very direct, and with the focus on the person you’re asking. You would take a desire and turn it into a to-do list in small, measurable steps. It might sound like this:
“Brother, I know you said ‘if there’s anything I can do to help’ a while back. Here’s something you can do: you could call mom and dad and tell them that it’s ok to speak my baby’s name at the holiday. You could explain to them that a loss mom never forgets her baby, so there’s no risk of reminding her. Then you could hang up and repeat the process with Aunt X and Uncle Y and cousin Z. Then, you could buy the book “Lifetimes” for your own children and read it before we gather and explain to them that their auntie is sad because her baby died. If and when the topic comes up at the holidays, you could react calmly, leaning in to show your support, and keeping your body calm to show the children it’s safe to be around grief.”
Note how much easier this would be for brother to follow than “Would you support me?” He knows EXACTLY how to show up. Don’t worry if it seems like a lot of steps. Chances are, your brother would LOVE to take these steps.
The second way to ask is very vulnerable, with the emphasis on your own internal emotions. First, imagine that he has already said yes, that you already have your desire. From this place, explain what it would mean to you. What else it would give you to have this desire met? How will it feel to have it?
“Husband, I was thinking that, this year, instead of doing our usual thing at Christmas, would you book us a getaway somewhere really different this year? And then explain it to your parents so they won’t be offended! It would mean everything to me. It would create a refuge from a whole bunch of triggers that are bound to rear up around the holidays. Even if it wouldn’t heal our broken hearts, it would give us the space to rest and restore. It would feel like freedom and open space and fresh air and warm sun. It would really make a difference for me, and on top of all that, it would make me feel so understood and cared-for in our marriage. There are so many stresses I can’t just skip, but this would allow me to completely avoid so many unnecessarily painful moments. It would make me feel so supported and loved to do something really out of the box this year, and for you to line it all up.”
I don’t know if you will get a yes to every single thing you ask for, but I do know that those who love you deeply want to help. They very seldom know how. And I know that the more you ask, the more yesses you’ll get. You are SO worthy of receiving support. Asking is a gift to those who want to help.
Turning The Spotlight
How to un-freeze when pinned in an awkward social situation? It’s all about attention. As long as the attention is on you, you’re a deer in the headlights. Sometimes people ask TERRIBLE questions. Other times totally normal questions feel terrible to us in grief.
Oh my god! Are you pregnant?
So what have you been up to?
How did he die?
Do you have kids? How many?
Any of these could freeze you solid. You need enough space and time to flex your freedom not to answer at all.
The trick is easy: Don’t answer. Instead just ask THEM a question ABOUT THEM. It’s ok if you have to pause and think to do this. It’s ok if it’s a total non-sequator. It’s ok if it doesn’t even make any sense, as long as it’s about them, their attention has to get off of you and back on them to process what they’re hearing.
Oh my God! Are you pregnant?
You have very straight teeth. Did you ever have braces?
Watch out for questions that keep the focus on you. “Why? Do I look pregnant?” is a question, but now you’re both standing there scrutinizing your body, and we don’t want that. “Do you know that’s a very rude question to ask a woman” works if you want to hit back a little hard. Refer to yourself as “a woman” not as “me.” We REALLY do not want this to be about you for even a moment. So scrutinize the other person’s body or clothes or hair a little if that’s what it takes to get the attention off you. It can be done kindly: “You look nice in purple. Where did you get that dress?”
So, what have you been up to?
Did you pick up any hobbies over pandemic?
This question probably comes from someone who has no idea you’re grieving, so they’re not trying to be rude or mean. They’re just trying to make small talk. People love to talk about themselves. Mine for that person’s interests and keep asking questions about it until you’re ready to walk away.
How did he die?
Did you do any sports when you were a kid?
This is the kind of question that either comes from a busy-body (“Are you always this nosy around tragedy?”) or it comes from someone who means well but is in total shock about the situation and has no idea how to respond, in which case a weird, morbid turn could be interesting: “Do you want to be cremated or buried when you die?” The total subject change about sports, or asking them about their appearance, “Who cuts your hair?” is one-size fits-all.
Do you have any kids? How many?
Are you a cat person or a dog person?
This is such a freeze-question for the babylost. And it’s honestly ok to answer it if you want to.
I have one living child.
I’m sorry, but I don’t even know how to answer this right now.
I’ve been pregnant 6 times, but it hasn’t worked out.
I would love to have a child someday, but it’s harder than we thought it would be.
I just lost a baby.
Or, it’s ok to turn the spotlight and avoid answering at all until you’re ready. It can be tempting to just turn this one around, and that’s ok, so long as you’re up to hearing about someone else’s kids: “How old are your kids?” Is a perfectly good turn around. But you might not actually want to know, and that’s ok, too.
grief is awkward. It just is. And so there’s only so much I can do to help you gracefully navigate social situations at the holidays. Before we dive into this, I encourage you to completely forgive yourself for crushing awkwardness grief. Grief makes us cry when we wish we were stoic. Grief makes us act socially unacceptably, sometimes oversharing, other times unable to speak. Grief makes us demonstrative of emotions we wished to hide. Grief makes it impossible to answer regular everyday questions like “how’s it going?” Let this be awkward. You’ve been uncomfortable since the minute you realized crisis was upon you. I give you full permission to make other people uncomfortable for 5 or 10 minutes. They’ll survive. And as impossible as it may feel right now, so will you.
Holding you with deep love. Wishing you a peaceful Thanksgiving, for those who celebrate, with ZERO expectation of gratitude.
If you like the methods in this blog post, check out Kasia Urbaniac and her phenomenal work on power. I studied with her recently, and can not stop thinking about what I learned. She is full of genius ideas, very fresh in the self-help world. The book, of course, is cheaper and easier than the courses, and I highly recommend it, too: A Woman’s Guide to Power Unbound.