Intimacy Block #6: Trauma
Once upon a time, A Bad Thing Happened. Darkness fell over the kingdom like thick snow and deep, dreamless sleep. Enchanted rose bushes grew thick and sharp around the castle. Nobody could get through to the princess.
When Trauma Surfaces
Grief moms who come to me in the first few years after their loss know exactly why they’re sexually shut down. Either they’ve been avoiding their trauma on purpose (so sharp! So dark!), or they’ve been facing it and getting bulldozed by it on the regular. Our reproductive anatomy IS our pleasure anatomy which ties reproductive trauma to sex. When The Bad Thing happened recently, nobody is surprised when sex is fraught.
Trickier are the traumas that happened long in the past. Sexual assault, for instance, or abuse that is long over suddenly wells up again. How can something that happened ten twenty ago be causing problems NOW when it didn’t at first?
Sometimes, survival means putting the bad thing away until we are ready to unpack it. We do not always get to choose when that is. Our nervous system chooses for us. Ironically, when one suddenly starts to feel sex as trauma years after The Bad Thing happened, it may be because she feels so much safer and more stable now than she ever did before. So please don’t beat yourself up if trauma rears its head out of the blue. It may indicate that the relationship is strong.
The Body’s Wisdom
Trauma is so tricky. If we try to fit it into every-day logic, it doesn’t make any sense. It feels chaotic and random and awful.
But zoom out to see the trauma response as a survival mechanism in the context of The Bad Thing, and it makes perfect sense. It is an extremely effective mechanism for avoiding more Bad Things. It’s just not a SPECIFIC mechanism. It casts a wide net and sets off the alarm for many situations that are normal and safe.
Think of trauma less as a wound and more like an emergency time-traveling alarm system.
Once upon a time, The Bad Thing happened.
It was a terrifying, dangerous thing. It risked (or cost!) precious life and progeny.
Everything in the animal body (be it human or otherwise) has evolved to avoid just this kind of Bad Thing.
Our body-mind COULD put this in the past with our other, more mundane memories. But if it did that, we’d lose access to it. Memories get foggy and faded. Memories can take a long time to dredge up — at least a few seconds. Far too long for a life-and-death emergency.
Instead, the body-mind puts the memory of The Bad Thing into the neural networks of the body — just like reflexes. You burn your hand on a pan, and that hand snaps back before you even feel the heat. Same goes for trauma wiring. Some clue (trigger) reminds the body of the lead-up to The Bad Thing, and BAM. The body immediately responds, snapping back in time as though the memory is happening again and mobilizing all the survival responses from the past in the present moment.
DANGER! THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME JUST BEFORE THE BAD THING! WE MUST FIX IT NOW.
Beyond Trigger Warnings
A lot of attention has been given in recent years to triggers — warning of triggers, avoidance of triggers. A lot of pussy footing and wringing of hands around triggers.
And I’m going to tell you: I think that is a TERRIBLE way to approach trauma integration (and the data backs me up).
You know what triggers me? Doctors. Hospitals. Dentists. What am I supposed to do? Never get healthcare again simply because My Bad Thing started in a hospital? My saving grace was also medical. Sometimes, I need a doctor. Certainly I don’t want my teeth to rot out because the smell of antiseptic makes me crazy.
And if people want to baby me by avoiding certain subjects thematically related to My Bad Thing like abortion, disability, even CHILDREN, then I will miss out on A LOT of life that matters deeply to me and it will cost me many of my relationships. The avoidant path is ultimately impossible, and to try to take it is too costly.
Same goes for sexual triggers. This pressure here. That posture there. Sensation in the pelvis. Anything in sex could unlock a body-memory or reproductive or sexual trauma and throw a body back to The Bad Thing.
Avoiding intimacy forever is such a cruel denial of pleasure and connection, and it can cost a woman her marriage without even sparing her the PTSD (which will inevitably get triggered elsewhere, too).
Paths To Healing
What to do if trauma is rearing up in your intimate life?
Trauma healing. Sometimes you’ll need and want a therapist for this. There are certain modalities that only therapists are trained to do, like EMDR. If I’m working with someone who is super activated with PTSD, we alternate coaching sessions with trauma therapy. They’re complementary bodies of work.
There are other modalities which coaches can be trained in as well, like Somatic Experiencing and Brainstpotting. Whatever modality you seek, make it somatic. Cognitive behavioral therapy and dialectic behavioral therapy are really not the ones for this situation.
My modality, VITA Coaching (vital and integrated tantric approach) includes some really tender practices that couples can do together, which can increase the power of the work while strengthening the marriage at the same time. I love genital de-armoring work for anyone whose pelvis feels booby-trapped with trauma triggers. It’s tender work, and it’s edgier than you’ll find at a therapist’s office, involving acupressure of the pelvic anatomy. Though I have trained with sexological bodyworker, Rahi Chun, to be able to preform this acupressure myself, I do not do hands-on work in my practice. Instead, I guide this as self-touch practice or couple’s massage. It is more powerful to have the woman or couple leading this work because there’s a foundation of trust and SO much room to go slow and respond moment by moment. This is powerful but gentle healing.
If trauma is getting between you and your partner in your marriage or your intimate life, please do not despair. Trauma healing has come such a long way. You have so many good options, from very mainstream ones like EMDR to edgier ones like de-armoring.