TFMR Awareness Day
TFMR = Termination for Medical Reasons, and in the baby-lost world, it’s the acronym used to describe abortions which take place to resolve a medical problem. That problem can be a fetal medical concern, as when my baby was diagnosed with brain anomalies, or that problem can be a maternal medical concern, as when hyperemesis gravidarum won’t respond to medication and puts a woman’s organs at risk.
I am the type who annually forgets my own wedding anniversary (my mom reminds me), my friends’ birthdays most years (better late than never, I hope), and what year it is (I might just fail a dementia test). Being a day late for this one is right on time for me!
So grateful to my friends in the TMFR world who can actually do dates and have organized this day of recognition two years running.
Navigating the cultural landscape after TFMR is tricky.
You aren’t always welcome in the general babyloss world. You might go to a pregnancy and infant loss support group and be turned away at the door because, “You chose for your baby to die.”
Such cruelty — and such NONSENSE. I’ve had natural losses of pregnancy, too, and TFMR is like that at a baseline, but with extra heaping burdens of personal responsibility and cultural shame. It hurts a lot to be told you “chose” this when YES, I did choose it and that’s part of what needs holding, and also NO, really, who would ever choose this?
On the other end of the cultural spectrum, abortion activist space isn’t always welcoming either. Some activists (correctly) point out that TFMR represents a very small number of all abortions but (incorrectly) think that the telling of TFMR stories and the associated sad emotions will somehow harm the cause of bodily autonomy.
It’s strange to feel like a pariah after ending a pregnancy in a medical emergency, because most people fully understand TFMR once they learn about it. They understand what it is to love and plan for a child, what a big sacrifice it is to build a baby in your body, and how devastating it is to have medical crisis throw everything sideways. They can imagine how painful it would be between a rock and a hard place, and how heavy it would be to choose peace when the cost is life. Most people truly get TFMR when they are made aware of it. This is why most people who receive poor or unpredictable prenatal diagnoses terminate their pregnancies. We account for more babyloss, my friend, Sabrina, The TFMR Doula tells me, than stillbirth and neonatal death combined. It shouldn’t surprise us that informed opinion is supportive when informed action is so overwhelmingly towards TFMR in dire straights.
What’s missing is AWARENESS.
Awareness is key.
Yes we are bereaved parents.
Yes, TFMR deserves to be talked about in the context of both babyloss and also abortion.
Yes, TFMR parents should belong in mixed-groups of pregnancy loss.
Yes TFMR parents also need support spaces just for them to help them come to terms with the nuances of a seriously taboo kind of loss.
So even though I’ll have to be reminded of it forever and might be a day late next year, too, wishing all my TFMR moms and dads connection, holding, and honor on the second ever TFMR Awareness day.
You matter. You count. You belong.
I’m holding a special Bereaved Mother’s Day event on Sunday, 7th May at 12 Noon Eastern Time.
Meditation, journaling, and connection to honor your love that has nowhere to land.
CLICK HERE if you’d like to join live and/or receive the practices after the fact.