Sex or Sleep?
This one’s contentious in the world of sex coaching:
If you are tired, and you have to choose between sex and sleep, which should you prioritize?
Team-sex says: “Look, if you value sex, you’ve got to give your energy to it and feed this important area of your life. And sex is worth your time and energy. Have sex.”
I agree with that rational. YES, I hope you value sex. YES, please put your energy into that value, it is SO worth your time. Sometimes you’re going to be tired but not totally knackered, and then some really lazy pleasure can be a lovely blessing. But when you are exhausted, sleep comes first.
There’s no sex worth having when your body needs rest, especially if your body is a woman’s body. So sleep now and have sex in the morning or sleep in and make a date for the afternoon. First we build rest and restoration into the body, then we can have much better sex.
In the female body, sex hormones are mostly produced in the ovaries until they begin to decline in perimenopause. Sex hormones are responsible for sexual function, of course, but healthy sex hormones also just make you feel juiced up and alive and vital in your body more generally. This is one reason why perimeonpause can come with fluctuations in energy and libido while menopause usually sees a big drop in both.
Your adrenal glands are famous for producing the stress hormone cortisol — but they ALSO produce sex hormones (and become very important in menopause when your ovaries no longer contribute any sex hormones at all). Women whose adrenals don’t produce enough sex hormones in menopause are physically very uncomfortable compared to women whose adrenals are producing enough to get them by. I’m not quite there yet, and perhaps you aren’t either, but it’s good to know what’s coming. Under normal levels of stress, and when you’re young enough to have very active ovaries, your body can keep up with its need for cortisol and also sex hormones. Under duress, your adrenal glands consume your sex hormones to produce stress hormones. This is not great for your comfort, libido, sexual health, or overall sense of well-being.
One of the most sure-fire ways to keep your body pumping the cortisol is to deprive your body of sleep. Tired? Stressed. I don’t care how positive your outlook about it: a chronically tired body is a chronically stressed out nervous system, overworked adrenal glands, and scant or out-of-whack sex hormones.
Like so many things in biology, this becomes a nasty downward spiral: depleted sex hormones make it harder to sleep. Poor sleep stresses your body out. Stress depletes your sex hormones. Low sex hormones make it harder to sleep… which makes you even more tired… even more stressed… and on and on and on.
To get on the upwards track, tackle the sleep and rest first. Then stay attuned for more rested moments when you really can welcome pleasure and intimacy. If you value sex, value sleep too.
Some ways to prioritize sleep (assuming a day-waking, night-sleeping schedule):
Set a steady bedtime and stick to it. Same goes for wake-up hour. Ensure plenty of time between the two.
Reserve your bed for sleep and sex only. That way, when you lie down, your body will understand that it is time to relax into rest or pleasure.
Get as much natural day light in your eyes as you can. If you have a hard time getting going in the morning, go outside directly for the fresh air and sunlight. If you, like me, have a witching hour and wake up at 3am, go outside for a walk at 3pm: the opposite hour of the day to remind your body: look, now is daytime.
Keep your room as dark as you can at night. Blackout shades are great. If you need nightlights, go for red lights, which cast enough light to navigate but won’t mess with your sleep hormones.
Night waking is actually ok as long as you can fall back asleep after. You may be one who gets up and turns on low pink or amber-tone lighting and reads a book. Or you may, like me, be one who doesn’t want to get out of bed. Have some meditations practiced for these hours to tend to your body gently even when awake in bed. Don’t worry in bed. If you’re worried, go somewhere that’s not bed to journal or stretch until you’re ready to come back.
No screens in the bedroom. Ideally, you shut down your screens 1 hr before bed and don’t go on them again until morning. If you can’t manage this, get amber glasses and turn the light on your screen down as low as possible. Get an alarm clock that is NOT your phone. I like one that gives you a sunrise before your alarm goes off. Charge your phone in the other room. (I make one exception: if you use your phone to play a sleep-supportive meditation, you may have it in your room, but only for this).
My favorite kind of sleep-supportive meditation is called yoga nidra, and you can do it to wind you down or to give you a dose of rest during your day. It induces some of the same brain states that you experience sleeping and can restore you as much as a nap.
Exercise during the day. For us chronically stressed types and for elder women, the right kind of exercise to support sleep is to take nice long walks, hike, and do some gentle yoga. If you’re a little less stressed, you can introduce strength training too (which is also great for bone density!) Unfortunately, cardio is not super supportive for the hormonally depleted. Running/jogging is not especially compatible with aging in a female body unless you’ve got the disposition for it — which means that you are not the burned out type.
Hot bath or shower before bed can help you wind down and signal your body that it’s time for rest.
Welcome any touch that could feel really good and help relax your body. Maybe this means asking for a back rub from your partner. Maybe it means rubbing warm oil into your own feet at bedtime. Maybe it means getting a vibratey ball and buzzing your head, neck, and torso to stimulate your vagus nerve and bliss out. Touch, whether from partner, self, or massage tool, supports healthy sexuality even when it is not foreplay. In fact, having loving touch just for the sake of touch, no destination or goal, is a very important part of intimacy that many long-married couples tend to forget. Let all touch count.
Do you snore at night? Wake up with a dry mouth or chapped lips? Try taping your mouth shut. Yes, it’s just as it sounds: medical tape over the mouth to keep the lips sealed all night. Looks like a hostage situation, I know, but it could dramatically change your existence (and sex life) for the better, so try it. For those with only very minor sleep apnea, sometimes mouth taping is enough to fix it, deepening your sleep so you get more restorative rest. If you can’t pass air through your nose with your lips taped, obviously don’t tape — call your doctor ASAP. You might need to see an otolaryngologist (ENT). If you suffer from apnea that doesn’t respond to mouth taping, you’re going to need a sleep study. Sleeping 8-10 hours a night and still completely exhausted? Call your doctor today. This is actually rather urgent. Don’t let them tell you you’re too female or too skinny or too young to have sleep apnea. They can’t see your airways from the outside. You might also try an airway dentist and a myofunctional therapist. Mine have helped me a lot.
If you use melatonin to help fall asleep, you probably need way less than you think. Physiological doses are only 0.3 mg. I buy 1mg (the smallest dose I can find in my normal store) and break it down into crumbs and take just one little piece of the pill. Best used on a temporary basis when traveling and adjusting to jet lag or other schedule shifts. If you manage your daylight in daytime and low light before bedtime, your body should make its own melatonin just fine.
Not everyone is going to need all these methods. Take what fits and leave the rest. If you feel rested from your sleep and ready for love, you might not need to make any changes. But if you are chronically exhausted and it’s making it hard to feel turned-on, tend to your sacred rest first. When you are sleeping well, sex may start to sound appealing again.
If you’re sleeping great but still feel a total block against physical intimacy, book a free inquiry call. There are so many reasons that your libido might drop out from under you. It’s very normal to have dry spells in a long term relationship. When you’re ready to welcome more pleasure in your life, I can help.